This week I had my annual mammogram. The yearly smashing of the boobs. My mom tells me that the exam isn’t nearly as painful as they used to be, but I still hate it. I find the whole ordeal to be uncomfortable, to stand in front of a stranger and bare your body, only for them to take a piece of it and smoosh it with a machine. There is a history of beast cancer in our family and my sisters and I harass my mom and make sure she goes every year. So I go for mine as well, because I can’t nag her if I don’t do my own screenings.
The only thing worse than the mammogram is the pap smear, where we have to lay on a table all spread open and have our cervix scratched with a metal brush. At least we no longer have to do those every year. We have at least been given a reprieve to only experience this hell every three years as long our results are normal. It almost makes you impatient to reach fifty, where you will only have this screening every five years.
Why are all women’s tests painful and humiliating? We have our breasts smashed and our cervix scraped. What do men have for tests?
Nothing anymore. They used to have the prostate exam, where their doctors would insert a finger in their anus. Isn’t it interesting that men have found a work around to the only humiliating test they had to endure? I remember when I found out about this. A couple years ago, my husband, Steve, turned fifty and I made him make an appointment for his yearly physical.
He had just recovered from a heart attack and I wanted to make sure everything else was alright with him. Realizing that having reached fifty he would have to start getting the prostate exam, I teased him about it and he grumbled as he left for his appointment. While he was gone, I was chuckling to myself about his discomfort when we, as women, get subjected to our routine exams most years. Less than an hour later, he sauntered in the door with a smirk on his face. He proceeded to tell me that the prostate is no longer checked with a finger insertion but by a blood test and imaging during the the colonoscopy. These are now the preferred method.
I am almost embarrassed to tell you that I threw a little tantrum. Just a small one, tiny really. Okay, I’m lying. It was an epic tantrum and continued for days as I discussed these revelations with people at work. Of course the guys would inevitably say how awful the colonoscopy is. Nope, sorry, doesn’t count because we have to get those too, in addition to the aforementioned miseries. Men really have no idea how rough it is to be a woman.
So another year’s discomfort is now behind me and I’ll do it again next year along with the dreaded pap smear. As miserable as these exams are, they are a necessary evil. Ladies, don’t put them off just because they are uncomfortable. You will be happy to have endured every bit of the unpleasantness if it saves your life.